“There’s no more pretty words.”

Two days ago, I made my first post on this site. I had no expectations for that post considering I don’t have a following on this platform, don’t have social media linked in, and haven’t posted ever before. For me, it was a brave dip into deep, vulnerable, utterly unknown waters.

Four people read that post. To those four people, I want you to know stopping your day for a minute just to read what I had to say moves me. That speaks to me. I felt invigorated seeing that.

See, I’ve always been someone with something to say. I’ve walked around with this hidden message that I’ve quietly yearned to share for as long as I can remember. The backstory to what I wrote (and what I’m writing now) is lengthy and rich in detailed emotional experiences. Those detailed emotional experiences make up who I am, but those experiences have routinely been kept private.

I guess you could say I play my cards close to my chest. Always have.

By sharing my message and journey through this platform, I intend to be as open and honest about my life experience as possible. I intend to give the vulnerable view into the ups and down of life that I haven’t quite found yet. I’m not looking to hold anything back through these words.

I’m a 28 year old man that’s saddled with a continuously growing and intimidating mountain of debt. I’ve lived my life ineffectively for years. I can’t honestly say there’s one project, one class, one job, or any one moment I gave everything I had to. I can’t say I’ve truly applied myself to anything before—not a single time in 28 years.

I’ve gone through life with this strange promise of “potential.” Things come easily to me, but because they do I lose interest just as easily. I get motivated for a day (just like so many other people out there) just to fall back to my sober reality and ineffective way of living time after time. I’ve put the important things in life off for years (see the previous paragraph about the mountain of debt) and it’s all catching up to me now in the most dramatic way I could imagine.

We found out yesterday that my wife is pregnant.

The debt and ineffective habits? That’s something she’s never found out about.

Here’s my thing; today (and every day moving forward), I’ll be taking every step necessary to get myself out fo the hold I’ve dug. I’m committing myself to excellence from here on out, and not just for the baby. Not just for my wife. Not just for me—I’m doing this for everyone I’ve known, loved, or connected with.

I’ve struggled with the meaning of life, depression, suicidal thoughts, telling lies, being manipulative, and being a borderline sociopath for as long as I can remember. It’s the curse I’ve unfortunately always been saddled with, and I’ve never done enough to rid myself of that saddle. I’ve gone to workshops, listened to damn near every motivational video out there, read several books on motivation, psychology, and life in general, but none of it has truly struck a chord with me. At the least—it hasn’t struck that kind of chord that makes you get up every day with vigor, power or promise.

The story I tell on this platform will detail my journey to fix my problems. I’ll go into intimate detail with the problems I’ve faced, how they’ve felt in the moment, and how (hopefully) I’ve overcome them to emerge as the fully-formed and completely expressed “me.” In a way, this story will help define exactly who that is.

So yes, you see the title—there’s no more pretty words. You don’t know me yet, but you will. I’ve always been someone with the perfect answer and excuse for everything, but I can’t continue being that person any longer. So in that way, there’s nothing more I can say because nothing I say anymore matters. The only thing that matters—and the only thing that matters for anyone out there—is what I do. My actions.

If you’d like to follow me along for this journey, I’d love to have you with me. I’ll continue writing no matter what.

There’s no more pretty words.